HeartBrakeHotel

A. —

We met when I was 15 when email, cell phones, and social net­works were almost non-existent. This new girl moved into the neigh­bor­hood. She befriended one of my friends, so even though I didn’t care much for her, I got acquainted with her. She would come to my house and call her guy friend, A. At first, I didn’t care to join into the con­ver­sa­tion, and he seemed to like my friend, but things quickly changed. We began talk­ing on the phone and writ­ing let­ters (we actu­ally mailed) to one another. We would keep the phone to our ear, even when we were sleeping.

This car­ried on for three months, and we finally met. We dated for four years. Even when I broke up with him the first time, and my mom kicked me out at 17 by putting all of my clothes in garbage bags left on the porch, he let me stay with him. I didn’t want to, but he said to stop being so stub­born, and that he would never leave me with no place to stay, so I went.

I really loved him. We were both young and stu­pid, and he some­times wasn’t the nicest. How­ever, he loved me. It’s true what they say. First loves die hard. I remem­ber when I finally ended things, I was dis­traught and thought I would never get over it. I gained 25 pounds cause all I did was stay in bed and eat. Six months later, my grand­fa­ther passed away, and I went to Panama for six months. It was what I needed to finally be able to func­tion. When I returned, I found out by a mutual friend that A. still wanted to talk to me, so we became friends again for awhile.

Last time I heard from him was a year ago. He was doing great, and he said that his rap career was tak­ing off. I was glad cause I want him to be happy.

G. -

I met him in 2006 when he mes­saged me on Myspace. When guys mes­saged me, I usu­ally just deleted them, but I instantly liked him. We started chat­ting back and forth. After two weeks, with­out meet­ing, we declared our love for one another. I utterly and com­pletely loved him. Every­one always says that I am cold, picky, and quick to end things, but there was some­thing about him. After a month and a half, we met. I remem­ber the first meet­ing. Both of us were super ner­vous, but after hug­ging, we began walk­ing to the restau­rant. With­out even think­ing about it, we held hands. It’s a feel­ing that I will always hold onto. Know­ing that I loved this man more than any other man before.

When­ever I would go to my grad course, I would meet up with him. The way he looked at me is how a man should look at the woman he loves. He would smile and say that I was the most ener­getic per­son he had ever met, and that he loved my energy. I would smile. The prob­lem was that we were both being self­ish. He had his life, and I had mine (already know that this is one of the things I will talk about in the novel I am going to write for NaNoW­riMo). For three and a half years, we were on and off. When­ever we were off, I cried for him because I couldn’t think about life with­out him. Even now, I miss him. It isn’t the love aspect that I miss, but the friend­ship that we had. When­ever I had a prob­lem with some­thing, he was my confidante.

Last year, he got extremely depressed. Even though I tried to be there for him, he pushed away. Things finally ended in April when he wrote me say­ing that I deserved bet­ter and that he had to let me go so I could find that one per­son who deserved my love. I cried and cried and cried. Finally in July, I decided that I couldn’t cry anymore.

L. —

Tumul­tuous, pas­sion­ate, and con­fus­ing. We had so many against our rela­tion­ship from the begin­ning: our par­ents, friends, even one another. We were prac­ti­cally liv­ing together for 3.5 years. It didn’t help that we both wanted to even­tu­ally get mar­ried, so add that aspect to it, and you have drama. It was worse because we are both very pas­sion­ate. It’s funny but we were both pas­sion­ate with one another, but with other peo­ple, we were kind of unemo­tional. If a per­son never calls me again or ends things, I usu­ally am like “Meh” and do my own thing. How­ever, with L., I couldn’t ever let go. Same with L.

Like G., L. thought that I could be a cold-hearted per­son. I am some­one who will quickly be void of any emo­tion if I feel like I am going to get hurt, and L. hated that. It also affected our rela­tion­ship. While L. was overly emo­tional, I lacked them. Even now, it’s some­thing that I am try­ing to work on. I don’t under­stand why I am like this.

We weren’t very nice to one another. Our par­ents didn’t help. They were dead set against our rela­tion­ship. We always knew that if one set of par­ents would have been more under­stand­ing, then we wouldn’t have half the issues that we had.

One thing I really appre­ci­ated about L. is the way L. was with my chil­dren. L. dearly loved them, and they loved L. I was too pro­tec­tive, and I think that drove L. crazy. It pained me to have some­one hurt L. because peo­ple always took advan­tage, but it also made L. want to run the other way.

Our fights and argu­ments were HORRIBLE. We would scream and yell at one another in the mid­dle of the street. For some rea­son, we never paid atten­tion to any­one but us. L. hated G. But it was dif­fi­cult because of the com­plex­ity of our rela­tion­ship. It was a rela­tion­ship that I knew wouldn’t last. We both had such anger towards one another, but we still loved one another. Out of the three, L. is the one I missed and loved the most. L. was every­thing to me. I think both of us knew that it was time to end it after our last fight. We never could under­stand how we never showed any emo­tion with other peo­ple, but with one another, we were just awful. It’s like my friend said. Some peo­ple just have bad chem­istry together. He’s right.

My three great loves. I am try­ing to remain pos­i­tive about the pos­si­bil­ity of one day find­ing some­one I can call my final and great­est love, but I don’t think that is going to hap­pen any­more. I’m 31 and maybe it’s time that I let it go. I should be glad that I expe­ri­enced love and that is all that should mat­ter. It’s time that I left that part out of my life. I have every­thing else, so I should for­get about love. It has never worked out very well for me, so what is the point? I am finally com­ing to terms that I am all out of love.

Photo Detail: Tay­lor Swift– Love Story(explore!), orig­i­nally uploaded by Grace­Marie Pho­tog­ra­phy.